My first blog post in over a year – I gotta say it feels good to be back! The end of the 2018 and all of 2019 was a season of change and I was seriously going through it. To make a year’s story short after my dog died I think it just really affected me. I focused all my energy into the guy who I was hanging out with – I suspect to the point that I was using him as a crutch, he was nice about it, but in hindsight I was definitely lost. I basically stopped running (I’ve run 4 marathons in the past few years so kind of a big deal for me), I left my job as a server and jumped into a new role at a different restaurant as a manager, and then spent the majority of the year trying to process and find my new normal. The good news is – I think I did it. And so while I thought about shutting down my little dilapidated site, ultimately I thought f* that! I want to share the things that I’m living and learning, and stumbling through. That if one person ends up relating and being kinder to themselves, feeling less alone in the struggles, laughing a little harder at the nonsense or smiling a little bigger in the victories, it’s worth it to write. And with that said – here goes.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my goals – not all that groundbreaking seeing as we are a two weeks into a new year. But honestly – it was tough! Probably because to really think about goals and what you want takes a certain level of commitment and honesty. And personally, I believe once you say things out loud – there is a realness and weight to those words, and a possibility of disappointment. For me, after my dog died, I just couldn’t cope with the idea of more losses so I didn’t. And that way of thinking got me by, it gave me time, but it was not sustainable and it was not really living. So I did the work in 2019. I let myself feel all the things from all the situations. I cried, oh I cried, I got really angry, acknowledged my hurt and pain, and I laughed where I could. And in little doses and tiny whispers I started to think about my life and say things out loud.
So at the start of 2020 this is what I have to say: ME FIRST. My goal, my mission statement, my focus is to put myself first. It might sound like a copout – kind of like a blanket statement, but for me it’s the opposite. It’s an all in kind of vibe.
Health: I work in a restaurant and I eat great food daily, but not necessarily healthy food. So this year I am recommitting myself to being aware of what I’m putting into my body. I am getting back to the basics of cooking to hopefully find recipes that work for me and my late night lifestyle. I’m running again. I want to feel strong again, and get all the endorphins. Oh and I am signed up to run my first marathon in three years. (To be fair, I signed up in October so this was always happening – but still).
Finances: I’ve got debt. And it sucks. I’ve always been pretty good about my finances, however, life happens and going in and out of employment in my late 20’s took a toll on my credit card and my savings. But I’ve got a plan to pay it off and I feel good about it.
Dating: I want marriage. OMG I don’t think I’ve ever written that down before. But I do, I want a life partner. So I’m ready to date! No timeline needed. And I’m going to do it on my terms and say what I want and what I need. And if I don’t feel those things are being provided and supported, my promise to myself is to walkaway – not be delusional and try to make it work. I am fine alone.
Career: No changes to be made, I’m crushing it. J/k! But you know what – I am doing well learning a new role, because I’ve never been the manager of anything. And now I am apart of a management team at an iconic Chicago restaurant with a staff of 200 and it’s a big deal. And I’m proud of myself, and I will continue to be proud everyday, no matter what.
Saying Yes to Life: This is a phrase my mom and I always use to encourage each other do the things we want to, or to try new things. And while I know my mom is my biggest fan – I’m ready to take the lead on encouraging myself to do and try things that I want to. Concerts, shows, cooking classes, hobbies, maybe even horseback riding again. I’m ready to be my own biggest advocate for having fun.
This is some of what I mean when I say me first. And I’m sure I’ll think of more things to add to the list. But my focus this year is unapologetically myself. I don’t have a goal for where I want to be this time next year – I think everyone is on their own path. But I know, I know that if I can commit to the things I have said out loud – I will love where I am in a year.